I have always been the kind of person who says what everyone is thinking but is always too afraid/ashamed/kind to say… Some people think that this is one of my most amusing traits, however, a large percentage of my tiny circle of acquaintances find me terribly rude and rather blunt. Unfortunately this talent (or downfall) is a God–given trait that is rather hard to change. It largely has to do with the fact that I think aloud. Or I speak before I Think. Whatever the case may be, I will always be an honest person who speaks their mind. However, many people do not say what they are truly thinking. For years I have been hearing men (or boys) and women talk to each other in some form of dishonest Morse code. I think it is rather sad, as dishonesty between the sexes causes sexual tension, hateful generalizations and serious miscommunication. To solve this issue, I have come up with a list of common statements that both females and males make that are generally dishonest and misleading. I have then decoded the text and given real/honest responses to each of these statements. These are worth taking a look at and might help you translate some confusing conversations you may have with the opposite sex in the future:
We say: I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I think we could go somewhere. But at the moment life is just so hectic. I have a career to focus on/ I need to focus on getting my degree/ I’ve just come out of a serious relationship and I don’t think I’m 100% over it yet.
We mean: Oh my God. Why doesn’t this leech get the point?? I would rather spend 11 hours a day in my cubicle office/working out the meaning of bullshit statistical theorems with my creepy economics lecturer/go back to my ex, who gave me constant migraines and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder than spend time with you… Got it?
She says: Do you think she’s hot?
He says: Ummm, she’s ok… But you know you’re the girl of my dreams…
He means: OH MY GOD. Look at that chick. She’s like on-tap Heineken in my Ferrari. I think my penis just did a little dance. If I dream about her that’s only dream cheating right?!
We say: It’s not you, it’s me….
We mean: I am decent person, I don’t want to hurt your feelings- but I have no interest in getting to know you. In other words- It’s not me, it’s you…
He says: You’ve only had 1 glass of wine, lemme get you another one…
He means: Come on now! I can’t take much more of this chit chat. Drink your wine. Lose your inhibitions. And we can take it from there!
We say: (No airtime) Please call 082 696 6969 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 082 696 6969 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
We mean: I really don’t have 80 cents to spend on you…But hey, if you’re willing to call me, why not?
She says: I’ll just put my phone on private number and give him a call. Why not?!
She means: I know he won’t answer if he see’s I’m calling…Maybe it’s cause I’ve called him like five times today- but hey, we’re together, why can’t I? I’m sure he’d love it if I surprised him…
We say: I just had a peek at his/her facebook profile…What’s wrong with that?
We mean: If you have an open profile I have the right to find out which school you went to, where you live, who your friends are, what your relationship status is, what you do on a daily basis, as well as save some of your photos on my desktop. That’s not creepy at all!
We say: I think we need to take things slowly…
We mean: I really don’t want to see you more than once a week/ I am a virgin/ I have five other chicks on my speed dial and you’re not one of them…
She says: I would never sleep with a guy on the first date- I’m a woman- not a ho-bag!
She means: If I give it up that easily, what will the guy have to look forward to? Plus, I cannot afford to ruin my rep even more- my dry-humping/boob-flashing/pole dancing/g-string-showing ways have already ruined my lady like reputation.
He says: She is such a cock tease! Why won’t she just sleep with me already?!
He means: I have blue balls because I cannot satisfy myself sufficiently and I need some poor girl to do it for me.
All my translations may sound pessimistic-but I bet that more than half of these excuses and explanations are used all the time in the real world (which ventures out of the realms of Gossip Girl episodes). My advice would be to carry around a dictionary, some common sense and a wall that blocks out all the BS coming your way. Take it, don’t take- but don’t say I didn’t warn you….
Contributor: Justin de Jager
