At some point in your student life you will embark on a December adventure to Thailand. Before your varsity career is up you have to take a trip to South East Asia-so you might as well organize it sooner rather than later. And I am just putting it out there-watching the Hangover 2, drinking a bucket out on the jol or road tripping down to the ocean does not constitute as a Thai experience. I was accepted into “The Cool Kids Thailand Club” last December and it was honestly one of the best experiences of my life. Seeing as the Thailand jol is so popular amongst students, I have put together a nifty “How to Thai” list, which basically provides you with all the tips and FAQs you need to know before you go on the trip that will change your life. And if you’ve already been to that side of the world- read through the list for a few chuckles that will bring back fond memories.
- Before you leave South Africa, you may feel the need to get poked by your doctor to avoid getting diseases such as Hepatitis A or B, yellow fever and various other foreign diseases. But trust me, these shots are just a waste of money-which you could be spending on vodka. However, if you are planning to get a tattoo at a night parlour, have a special night with a she-male or drink a hell of a lot of tap water, I would suggest that you do take a visit to your local GP.
- When booking your accommodation, do not choose any room that is priced at less than R50 a night. The experience of staying in such a place will literally scar you for life. Also, if you are a crappy planner, don’t despair- it is easy enough to book your accommodation a few days in advance once you’re in Thailand. Alternatively you could sleep on the beach and get sand in less than ideal places.
- If you stay in Bangkok on arrival, expect to see like 1 Thai person. The main tourist hub is packed with visitors from everywhere else except Thailand- and the only Thai faces that you’ll see along the way will be in taxis, the market place and in any massage parlour that has a “happy endings” sign.
- If you are a girl bring an empty bag. The clothes are dirt cheap and in the tourist hub they come in sizes that actually fit normal human beings. If you are a boy you might feel the need to visit a massage parlour that offers something that will definitely leave you feeling happy.
- It is essential that you go to a Ping Pong show. I went to one called Ping Pong Pussy. Enough said.
- If you are male and have a thing for Asian chicks, stick to the Asian tourists. Every one out of five woman in Thailand are actually lady-boys. The she-males do not have Adam’s apples, are usually prettier than the Thai girls and have legs to die for! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Another tip for the men: There are lots of Aussi tourists in Thailand. The Aussi girls are frisky, aggressive and haven’t been virgins since they were like thirteen. If that’s your vibe-go with it.
- You are bound to get injured on this trip. Whether it’s falling off a quad bike, breaking your arm on a fufi slide , getting whacked over the head with a bottle of rice wine or singeing your hair when you learn to fire dance- you will not come home unscarred. Avoid dying on the Mekong River if you go tubing in Vang Vieng. And do not carry around illegal substances (not even weed), as the punishment if caught is the death sentence, or Thai Prison (I would rather be executed to be honest).
- A whole bucket of any drink you fancy will be about 50 bucks. Chang beer will change your life and comes in quarts. And no one is sober by 1 o’clock in the afternoon. One word of advice. If need be it is essential that you tactical chunder- do not get sick in the ocean, off the side of a tuk tuk or in a public loo (which will most like be a squatting long drop). These facilities do not offer leaning support and will ruin your life.
- This trip will be one of the best experiences of your life and WILL outdo The Hangover 2. So get your plasters, sunscreen and booze allowance out and get ready for the journey of your life!
Contributor: Justine de Jager
